a journey inward

It's been interesting being back at home for two weeks after being on such a huge, independent adventure. It's been kind of hard, just because being back here brings up a lot of my old doubts about myself and personal demons. I've been doing a lot of grasping at little ideas that pop into my head and trying to run with them, when that's not the best thing to do. Consequently I've been feeling a little bit frayed and frazzled. Like the feeling you get when you're desperately trying to grasp onto things that are slipping through your fingers.

I'm excited to get back to Tacoma and settle down a bit. My mind has felt both hyper and lethargic lately, which is an odd combination, but I have no other way of describing it. I've been having a lot of good thoughts and ideas, but I keep forgetting to let things simmer and let my mind digest them before going full-tilt after them. This tendency I have to attack, attack, attack is probably good in some ways. It means that I go after things I really want, like the Brave. It also means, though, that I go after things that I might not actually be wholeheartedly into. I might've been wholeheartedly into it for a day or two, in a frenzy of excited enthusiasm and gung-ho-ness, but not in that steadfast way that can last.

I guess what I'm trying to say, in a roundabout and long winded way, is that I'm trying to figure out what it is in my life that has that steadfast passion. What can I pursue that I have that feeling about, like I did (well, and still do) about the Brave? 2010 was pretty much all Brave. I'm excited to see what 2011 will show me as life moves, shifts and reveals.

I once fell in love with a boy, and he wasn't in love with me, but the way he made me feel and the passion I felt... I made a promise to myself not to be in a relationship with someone if they didn't make me feel at least that much. I felt like it would be a cop-out, and that I would know that I was missing out on that passion. Similarly, I want to promise myself not to "be in a relationship with" something that doesn't make me feel like the Brave does. That steadfast passion is needed, I think, in both love and life. At least for me. I couldn't have done the Brave trip if I hadn't felt about it the way I did. I've tried doing things I wasn't passionate about and they fizzled out terribly. So I don't want a rebound to try and find any little brief excitement to replace what I had with the Brave.

I just need some time to figure out what's next...