get rejected

I recently read an article on Design Sponge by Amy Azzarito that gave me a bit of shift of perspective.  The article is about asking for what you want and not being afraid of being told no.  So many of us don't do things or don't ask for things simply because we're afraid of being rejected.  If you think about it, if someone says no to a request you're no worse off, you're still right where you started before you asked but now you know the answer.  If you hadn't asked, the answer could've been yes, but you never would've known.  We tend to feel like being told no is a reflection of us, that we weren't worthy or that we're lacking in someway.  That's not always the case, though, more often being told "no" just means that the person we asked is lacking.  They don't have time to do what you're asking, they don't have the resources to complete your request, etc.  But we're all standing around getting nowhere by not asking for what we want.  If a guy wants to go out with a girl but is so afraid of being rejected that he never asks her out, they he really doesn't have a chance with her.  By being afraid of the No's we're sacrificing all of the potential Yeses.
The article mentioned Rejection Therapy and my interest was piqued so I looked into it.  Basically it's a "game."  For 30 days you have to be rejected, you have to make a request and the response has to be no.  If you make a request and the answer is yes, you have to keep trying that day until you get a "no" response.  It feels a little brutal, but essentially it's a psychotherapeutic technique called flooding, so you expose yourself to the thing you fear over and over and eventually the fear minimizes and you're no longer afraid, in this case, of rejection.  

 

top/courtesy of wolf mama vintage :: sheer top/courtesy of ruche  necklace/courtesy of adorn by sarah lewis :: bracelet(similar)/vintage
 jeans + heels/courtesy of modcloth :: photos by Dan
I think especially as women, we don't ask for enough.  We aren't bold enough.  We're afraid of being unladylike, or bossy, or bitchy if we ask for what we want.  I was particularly struck by a story Amy's shared in the article:

When I heard about the concept, I was immediately transported back to my first job in New York. I was working for a company that sold book binding supplies and was hired on the same day for the same job as another girl. She and I, both new to the city, became good friends and one day she let her salary amount slip. She was making about $100 more per week than I was. At the time, this was a huge difference. I was just barely scraping by on the amount I was making. I was so shocked that I asked how she got more money. She told me that when she was offered the job, she just told them that she needed more. I felt like the wind was knocked out of me. I couldn’t believe it was so simple. She just asked.

She just asked.  She wasn't better, she wasn't more experienced, just just asked.  The answer could've been no, but it was yes, and the result was more money.  If we all go around willing other people to give us what we want, we probably aren't going to have much success.  I'm pretty doubtful of my telepathy skills, so willing other people to give me what I want probably isn't going to give me great results, but I kind of live that way!  Maybe if I'm just nice and courteous and shy and demure people will give me what I want.  What?  It makes no sense.  We can be courteous and also ask for what we want.  And being said "no" to isn't then end of the world,  it actually might be the beginning.  The more no's you get, the more yeses you're going to get.  If you get one yes for every three no's, you're just going to have to wade through the no's to get to the yeses, but you have to take the no's to get the yes.

This quote from Barbara Kingsolver has been my new approach to life: “This manuscript of yours that has just come back from another editor is a precious package. Don’t consider it rejected. Consider that you’ve addressed it ‘to the editor who can appreciate my work’ and it has simply come back stamped ‘not at this address.’ Just keep looking for the right address.”  She's talking about a book manuscript, but you can fill in anything.  Consider that you're making a request to "the person who will say 'yes'" and if they say 'no,' you've just asked the wrong person, so keep on asking until you find your yes person.

So, go out and get rejected today.  Ask for so much that someone tells you, 'no.'  Feel the rejection. Accept it as what it truly is, not all the baggage you bring to it.  Move forward knowing that at least you asked!  And maybe the next time you'll get a yes, but you'll only know if you ask.

And if you need a little fire in your belly to go for it, watch this and feel the power.

midsummer

Happy summer solstice, everyone!  We're quite enjoying the summer sun here in Tacoma today.  We finished fencing in our yard this week, so now I'm gearing up to renovate the yard into a patio/garden.  Mostly I'm just procrastinating pulling up all the ugly sod and cement that currently inhabits the area, but it's exciting to have a yard that's private!  We didn't have much of a backyard to begin with and now that the Winne is back there it's pretty much non-existant, so fencing in our side yard has more than doubled our yard space.  Dusty's also pretty excited about having more yard where she can run free.
Dusty was also pretty excited to run around on the beach at Titlow.  There were a few other dogs around so we had to keep her on the leash so she wouldn't run off and find a new pack, but she was having a blast running back and forth along the water.  Do you guys have any plans for Summer Solstice festivities?  I think we're just gonna chill and hang out in the sun today, and maybe I'll find it within myself to start working on our yard, or maybe I'll just find a lawn chair and crack open a beer.

 

top/via swap :: blazer/courtesy of modcloth :: jeans/courtesy of for elyse shoes/courtesy of bc footwear :: necklace/francesca's collection :: photos of me by Dan

diy deodorant

When I was at our local natural food store a few weeks ago I wandered into the deodorant section and found some Schmidt's natural deodorant.  I loved the scents and upon looking at the ingredients I decided I would do some research and try my hand at making my own.  I fell in love with the Cedarwood + Juniper scent and the Bergamot and Lime scent.  I had just ran out of Cedarwood essential oil, but I had Bergamot, so I decided to try making one that had a similar scent profile to Bergamot and Lime.  I didn't have lime so I substituted lemon and grapefruit (though I think lime is such a perfect pair with Bergamot).

If you don't want to use any scents, you can totally omit the essential oils.  I really want to make a cedarwood and/or spruce version to emulate the Schmidt's Cedarwood + Juniper scent.  I should probably wait until I use up all of my Bergamot batch though!  I really don't like any of the scents that women's deodorant comes in, it all smells overly flowery or like baby powder, I don't know.  I've always hated women's deodorant, so I love that I can customize my own deodorant to the kind of scents that I prefer.  Strong enough for a man, made for a woman?  What does that even mean?  Deodorant that smells "girly?"  So over the gender divide in products.  Can we just made deodorant for humans and razor blades for humans and stop assuming that every female of the species likes pink and floral scents?



Before making my own deodorant I was using mens Old Spice, which has a pretty strong smell, and this homemade deodorant has much more subtle aroma.  I figured Old Spice was mostly covering odors with the strong scent, so I was curious as to how well the homemade stuff would work.  I wore it to both my yoga classes and on the plane, two places I find usually cause more need for deodorant, and was pretty pleased with the results!

You should be able to find the ingredients at health food type stores, but if not I linked to each item on amazon.

(recipe adapted slightly from scratch mommy)
What you'll need
Double Boiler
4oz+ jar or container
1 oz Coconut oil 
3/4 oz Shea butter 
1/3 oz Oil (I used sweet almond oil, but avocado, jojoba, etc. work well too)
1/3 oz Beeswax
1/2 oz Arrowroot powder 
1/2 oz Diatomaceous Earth (Food Grade)
5 drops of Vitamin E 
25-30 drops of essential oils (I get mine here.  I used grapefruit, lemon, and bergamot)



In your double boiler, add the oils, shea butter, and beeswax.  I use a glass pyrex measuring cup over a pot of water as a makeshift double boiler and it works just fine.  Melt on low heat until everything is melted.

Turn off the heat and let the mixture cool for a few minutes, then add the Arrowroot powder, Diatomaceous Earth, Vitamin E, and Essential Oils and whisk everything until it's completely combined.

Pour into your container and place somewhere safe so it can set up, I just set mine in the fridge for like 15 minutes.

To use, just pull a bit out of the jar and rub between your fingers until it warms up and smooths into a spreadable consistency,  then just rub into your underarms!  This recipe is solid enough that you could also pour it into a twist-up deodorant container and apply it like you would normal deodorant, if you don't like the idea of rubbing it on with your fingers.

fertility awareness method: an update

So, about 6 months ago, in December, I decided to take the leap to quit taking birth control and use the fertility awareness method for my birth control method.  Of course every time I told someone they got those wide eyes and asked if we were trying to get pregnant, to which I had to insist that it was quite the opposite.  So far so good, at least!  It definitely means having to be more intentional and mindful, but I'm really happy to be taking charge of my own fertility.  And speaking of taking charge, if you want to use the Fertility Awareness Method, for either pregnancy avoidance or achievement, I absolutely recommend getting Taking Charge of Your Fertility.  It is packed full of pretty much everything you need to know about your cycle, how to use FAM, and has lot of appendices that address various problems and troubleshooting.  It's a pretty big book, kind of textbook-like, but I found it was a quick read as I was fascinated with the information and everything I'd never been told about my own body!  A lot of the pages are devoted to the appendices, or other issues that I didn't need to read about yet (like pregnancy achievement), so I found I only needed to read about half the book in order to know how to use FAM, but it's good to read the whole thing.  I think I'll probably read it again sometime soon, just to get a refresher.  

I had heard that, since I was coming off of using birth control pills for about two years, my cycles could be wonky for a while before they got back to normal, but mine went right back to being 28-30 days exactly, every month.  It was super exciting to track those first few months and learn about my own personal cycle.  I learned that I typically ovulate on the 18th day of my cycle, unlike how most sources insist on the typical 28 day, ovulate on the 14th day, cycle.

I was really good about tracking everything, temp, cervical position, and cervical fluid, my first few months but lately I've been lazier about it, mostly just tracking temperature.  I'd like to get back to being more thorough, though, especially since we're trying not to get pregnant.   Until this most recent cycle, I'd had very normal cycles, all ovulating around the 18th day, and lasting 28-29 days, but this last one I saw for the first time the effect of stress on my ovulation!  Haha, maybe that's just exciting to me.  Anyway, I think I mentioned in my earlier post about FAM, but the time from day 1 of your cycle to the day you ovulate can fluxuate based on stress.  The time from when you ovulate to when you start your next cycle is almost always the same number of days, in my case, usually 11-12.  The week I was supposed to ovulate ended up being mega stressful.  I learned I was starting the farmers market the day before I had to do it and Kristi was moving into the Winne and the kitchen was still torn apart from renovating it.  I was running around like mad and noticed that my temperature didn't spike on the 18th day, indicating that I still hadn't ovulated.  It didn't jump until the 22nd day, after all the stress had calmed down a bit.  My cycle that time was 32 days, much longer than my normal 28, but because I knew exactly what was going on, I didn't have to freak out about being "late."  It's really cool to know what's going on inside my body!



I do all my tracking with Kindara, which I've been loving.  It's so clean and simple to use, I'd absolutely recommend using it.  I'm not sure if it's available on Android yet, I don't think it is.  Of the tracking apps I looked at, this was the one that looked the best to me and I haven't had any desire to switch to anything else.  I had printed out paper charts to track with, but honestly, having this app I have no need to.  I have alarms set on it, so I track things at the same time each day, and my phone is always with me, so I don't have to remember to haul a sheet of paper around with me.  
Another cool thing you can do is set it up to track other things, so if you wanted to see if, say, doing yoga had an effect on the severity of your PMS symptoms, you could do that.  It also has a journal function where you can write more information about mood, diet, anything that you feel would be important to track.  


One unexpected thing that did happen about 4 months after going off of the pill?  I started shedding massive amounts of hair.  Like, crazy amounts.  Well, turns out it was basically faux postpartum hair loss.  Since the pill basically tricks your body into thinking it's pregnant so it doesn't drop an egg.  Once you go off the pill, it's sort of as if you've given birth and your body is getting back to it's normal cycles.

Many new moms are surprised to find themselves shedding more hair than usual in the first few months after giving birth, but it's perfectly normal. And there's no need to panic: You won't go bald. In fact, your hair should be back to normal by your baby's first birthday.
Here's what's going on. Normally, about 85 to 95 percent of the hair on your head is growing and the other 5 to 15 percent is in a resting stage. After the resting period, this hair falls out — often while you're brushing or shampooing it — and is replaced by new growth. An average woman sheds about 100 hairs a day.
During pregnancy, increased levels of estrogen prolong the growing stage. There are fewer hairs in the resting stage and fewer falling out each day, so you have thicker, more luxuriant tresses.
After you give birth, your estrogen levels take a tumble and a lot more hair follicles enter the resting stage. Soon you'll have more hair coming out in the shower or on the brush. This unusual shedding will taper off and your hair will be back to its pre-pregnancy thickness about six to 12 months after you give birth.

Having never given birth before, I didn't know this was a thing and was kinda freaking out for a hot second.  It lasted a couple months, but it's since tapered off and I'm not losing wads of hair every time I touch my head.  Of course, now I have a ton of short little baby hairs that are frizzy at my crown, but it's nice to know they're growing back!  My skin was also a bit more annoyed than usual, with more blemishes showing up on my face than normal, but it seems like that's tapered off as well.  I suspect just another case of hormones being haywire while trying to balance themselves.

One thing that I do like about tracking my cycles and using FAM is that I know exactly when it's possible that I even could be pregnant.  A few months ago I read an article that was pretty interesting, and frightening, about drinking while pregnant.   Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is a pretty big problem in Alaska, but not being a big drinker I never really thought much about it.

The trouble begins within days of conception, as alcohol consumed by the mother kills cells destined to become the building blocks of her baby's brain, organs and central nervous system. Her child may suffer memory lapses, learning disabilities and a range of behavioral problems, including dangerous impulsivity. 

In the most serious cases, the disability is called fetal alcohol syndrome. It punches holes in the brain's ability to process information and reshapes the child's face.

I'd never known that within the very first days after conception, alcohol can damage a baby.  I mean, I'm sure I'd known, but you don't even really think about those first few days after you might've conceived.  I know quite a few women, not big drinkers even, who joke about how they went out on a girls night or something right after they conceived, not knowing they were pregnant yet.

Today FAS is considered the leading cause of "intellectual disability," what used to be called mental retardation, in the Western world. Although wholly preventable, FAS is as common as autism in the United States...

The availability and toxicity of alcohol to a developing fetus both fuel the problem.
Alcohol is more likely to cause brain damage and lifelong behavior problems in unborn children than either crack cocaine or heroin, which can also harm the baby, according to The Institute of Medicine...

The damage can begin immediately after conception, when heavy drinking can kill the just-fertilized egg... 

At this point, less than a month after conception, most women still wouldn't realize they're pregnant.

Using FAM means I know exactly when during my cycle it's even possible that I could be pregnant, and I can make sure to be extra careful about drinking.  Even though I don't drink that much, or that often, knowing that drinking could effect a fetus, even just a few days after conception, for the rest of his or her life, makes me much more aware and mindful about when I choose to go out for drinks with friends.

Since I'm using FAM for birth control currently, and not pregnancy achievement, we always use a back-up method of birth control during the fertile period of my cycle.  Some people like to be even more careful and completely abstain during that fertile time, it just depends on what makes you feel most comfortable.  Obviously abstinence is the most effective form of birth control, but for some, abstinence for ~10 days out of the month just isn't going to fly.  Another thing to keep in mind is that using FAM requires a safe, monogamous relationship.  FAM can't do anything to keep you safe from STDs, so you need to know that your partner is trustworthy and monogamous and honest about any STDs they might be carrying.

Even if you're not looking to avoid or achieve pregnancy through FAM, I still think it's pretty awesome.  I love how much it's teaching me about my own body.  It's so practical to know about your own personal cycle.  If I ever have daughters they are absolutely going to know about this stuff, because I never learned any of it from my health and sex-ed classes in school, which I think is a total disappointment.  No woman should have to learn this stuff at age 27, they should know it when they have their first period, it's so important to understand what's going on!  And truly, it's fascinating too.  If more girls knew how amazing their bodies are and understood what goes on throughout their cycles I think they'd feel less ashamed of their bodies and more empowered.

*edited to add:*  I forgot to also mention that since I went off the pill, my migraines have completely stopped!  Before going on the pill I'd never had migraines, except maybe one or two my entire life.  During the two years I was on the pill I got one every month to two months.  Since going off the pill in December I haven't had a single migraine!

dusty's wishlist

Dusty is one year old!  I'm not sure of her exact birthday (I need to find that out!) but she was born in early June or late May, which means our little bebe is celebrating a birthday!  She's still a puppy in my eyes, but she has grown up quite a bit in the last year.  I'm sure all Dusty wants for her birthday are more toys and an extra helping of kibbles, but there are a few other things that have been on my Dusty wishlist for a while!

1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7

One thing she really does need is a new collar.  She's still wearing the one we bought her right after she came home, and it's on the last hole and getting a bit snug.  Our Jack Russels always had leather collars with name plates, which we got from the same place we got our horse tack, and they lasted their entire lives.  The leather aged and became supple, and acutally, Simon is wearing Pansy's old collar with a new name plate, so it'll probably last two dog lifetimes!  They're a little more spendy than a normal collar, but they last so long and are durable that I think it's worth it.   I also really love the vintage reclaimed collar (#7), but it's expensive and Dusty's fur is so long you don't even see her collar.  I just thought it was pretty.

Dusty is the messiest drinker I've ever seen.  I swear when I watch her drink it's like 50% of the water goes on the floor instead of in he mouth.  Our current solution is a nasty old towel laying under her bowl, but I'd prefer a better, more attractive solution.  I love both the brass tray and the raised dish holder, though I'm not sure the raised holder would solve the problem, just look cool.  It would be nice to get her dishes off the ground, though.

I threw in some toys, just so Dusty wouldn't glare at me.  She needs super durable toys because she sure can tear up a toy, and these little rubber bones looked like they'd last.  I also like toys that don't make a ton of noise when I throw them in the house, and these ones look like they'd bounce pretty quietly.  

One last thing we need is a dog bed.  Currently she lays on pillows and blankets piled on the floor.  She has a pile next to our bed (though she insists on laying on the pile of pillows and blankets in bed most of the time), and a pile in the kitchen.  It works, but it's not really visually attractive, to say the least.  I've thought about making a dog bed for her myself, but these ones are pretty fantastic.  Most dog beds aren't much more attractive than my pile of blankets, so I love finding ones that are functional and visually pleasing.