...the sun rose without you darling, and it's a beautiful day

s you know, I'm not a big valentine's day person.  I like having an excuse to celebrate love, whether it's for a significant other, a best friend, yourself, but I know that today can be a really hard day for some people.  It certainly has been for me in the past.  It can be heart wrenching, sometimes, to watch people happy and in love getting flowers and chocolate and kisses when all you can feel is the ache in the pit of your chest.  I was over at Babe Vibes today reading the stories of heartbreak from women around the world.  It was a refreshing change from most of the valentine's day content, and I really appreciated how it acknowledged that this day sometimes isn't about love.  Valentine's day isn't sunshine and rainbows for everyone, and it can hurt, but reading other people's stories about heartbreak can show how the pain isn't the end of the story, it's just a part of it.  

I was inspired to share an old post of mine.  Despite being a raw, vulnerable post about heartbreak, it's always been a favorite of mine.  By the time I was able to write this post and take the pictures of these texts I was starting to talk to Dan more, via texts, phone calls, and Facebook, and I think maybe feeling the hint of maybe being able to let myself love again was what helped me start healing and write this post.  It's been almost 5 years exactly since I wrote this in February of 2010, and it's amazing to think about all the things that have happened since I was in the throes of that heartbreak.  In that winter of 2009/2010 I couldn't imagine loving again, I couldn't picture myself ever being able to trust anyone else with my heart.  I had trusted James with it so wholly and in the end I was left shattered.  Healing was a slow process, painfully slow at times, and I felt gun-shy and insecure for a long time.  

If this Valentine's Day is marked by heartache rather than roses, it's okay.  It's okay to feel shitty on Valentine's day.  It's okay to hate this day and be angry and sad and hurt.  But know that heartache isn't the end of the story, it's just one chapter.  And you're a strong, badass lady, even if you don't feel like it when you're curled up on your bathroom floor crying into disintegrating pieces of toilet paper covered with smudged eyeliner.  Your heart is stronger than you think, and it's capacity for healing is otherworldly.  So, Happy Valentine's Day, because even if you don't feel like it, you are loved and you are worthy and you are beautiful.  Even with smudged eyeliner and puffy cry face.

"This post is going to be a little (okay a lot) more personal than my usual posts. I keep my personal life out of my blog mainly because I like this to be a sanctuary for me. When I'm blogging, I don't have to think about the rest of the world, it's a perfectly wonderful place full of nice people, pretty pictures, and encouraging words. And, honestly, this blog has been the one thing that has kept me going at times, the one thing I look forward to when I feel like everything around me is crumbling.

Back in June, the love of my life decided that I was no longer the love of his life. I immediately moved out of Spokane, where I'd lived for four years, and sought sanctuary with my family on the west coast of Washington. I promised myself I wouldn't cry, and I didn't. I didn't cry for months. I refused. Then, when we came back to Alaska, everything fell apart. Not literally, I mean, my life is perfect, really. But, when the person you thought was going to spend forever with you on this big adventure of life leaves, it's not something that just goes away. Coming to terms with him leaving, well, I'm still not sure I have. The things he told me... I just don't know how someone says those things one day and then another day does not mean them anymore. I'm not asking for anyone to feel sorry for me or tell me someone even better will love me someday.

Anyway, it's taken months for me to reach this point. It felt like I was in a horrific car wreck, and I was stuck in traction. I pushed everyone out of my life because I was too proud to admit I failed. Figuratively, I didn't want anyone to see me in that condition, strapped to a hospital bed, covered in casts. He got out of the wreck unscathed. He moved on, I was crushed- incapacitated by grief. My favorite human being no longer desired me. Four months later I was crying myself to sleep on a daily basis, sobbing into the blankets, stifling my cries– he was in Germany, dating a new girl. I could hear him calling her "darling" and "girl," "cutie" and "sweetie" like he used to call me.

It still hurts sometimes. But I've healed. The casts are off. I'm doing great in my physical therapy. I'm walking on my own. You guys have been a major part of that. All your kind words lifted me up on a daily basis. Every comment made me smile.

I don't want to be a downer, but I've finally been able to get to a point where I could do this and I wanted to share it with you guys. I have kept all his most wonderful texts to me since I met him in 2007. I've never been able to delete them, and I still can't bring myself to, but I can finally look through them again without completely falling apart. I've wanted to take macro shots of my favorite ones but it hurt too much until now. I don't really know what these mean to me right now, I'm sure some day it will make sense, but I thought I'd share them with you guys. These aren't all of them (that would be a huge post and many would not make sense to you guys. I mean, my text inbox can only fit like 4 new texts before it's full, so I have a LOT of saved texts. I'm a pack rat, even digitally...), but these are the most meaningful.

I feel like the Brave project is a huge part of the healing process. I can't wait to get out on the road on my own and do something entirely for me, something I'm truly passionate about and that makes me completely and totally happy. It's going to be wonderful and I just can't wait. And I can't wait to bring all of you with me!

va-va-voom valentine

 originally got this dress for our 3rd anniversary date, but I ended up having to go out of town that weekend and we postponed our anniversary date.  Then the holidays happened and we traveled a bunch and then January happened and we did Whole30 and going out to eat or drink was pretty much off the table.  And so... all of a sudden this dress turned into a Valentine's day date dress!  It actually ended up being a perfect red Valentine's dress!  I'd had my eye on this dress for quite a while, actually.  I always adored the classic pinup vibe and the stretchy fabric looked super comfortable.  Feeling comfortable and sexy at the same time?  Holy grail, I say.  This dress comes in a bunch of different colors and fabrics (velvet, ooh la la!).
For everyone who is confused about what my real hair color is right now, it's still green and black.  My hairstory post was referencing the change I made from my natural dark brown to red last January, and I'll be sharing more about the transition from red to my current green.  I posted an instagram with a red wig (which I got so I wouldn't get the itch to dye my hair red again), and now this post also features a wig.  I guess I'm too antsy to stay with one color for too long, which is why wigs are so awesome!  All of the variety and none of the time and money spent in a salon!  I don't consider myself a wig pro, but a lot of people have been asking for tips on wigs, buying them, wearing them, etc, so I'm thinking of putting together a little post (or vlog?!?) about it.  Do you guys have any specific questions you want to ask re: wigs?
 
dress/courtesy of modcloth :: shoes/thrifted :: necklace/handmade :: coat/lulu e. bebe

and now for something a little different...

or some reason I thought it'd be fun to make a little video of some totally useless facts about me! I talk a lot about pets, make a lot of weird faces and voices, and David Bowie is involved. I think it'd be fun to do more of these, but you guys should probably help me come up with things to talk about so I don't keep talking about pets. Ask a question or suggest a topic for me to ramble on about in the comments and I'll make another video! I can't promise I won't make more weird faces though, I think that just comes with the territory.  What do people even talk about in Vlogs?  How do you even say "Vlog"?  These are important questions, people.

hairstory // going red

s women, our hair plays a huge role in our lives.  Hair styles can define decades,  bad hair can actually put a damper on your whole day, good hair can make you feel like you own the world, finding a hairstylist that understands your vision can be a lifelong quest, finding a magic hair product is like finding the holy grail, we cut and dye our hair after we break up, we chop it off after having a kid.  Our hair is part of our story.  It tells our story with us.  It expresses who we are and who we want to be.  It's with us every day.  It's not vain to admit that hair can feel important.  Hair loss is a huge part of fighting cancer, not because women are vain, but because hair is a part of us.  Sure it's "just hair," but it's the one part of your outfit you live with every day.

I am no different.  My hair has played a huge part of my story, and not because it's, well, huge.  My hair was a curly beast from the get go.  I remember my mom desperately spritzing detangler in it, attempting to get a brush through.  She had straight hair, thick, but straight, and I'm sure she had no idea that brushing through curly hair dry was a battle fought in vain.  I'm sure she thought that good mom's brushed their daughters' hair and so she tried, ever so.  For a long time I wished my hair would be straight and sleek like the popular styles of my adolescence.  I was the "big hair" girl.  A guy in my 8th grade class said I was 90% hair, 10% body (I took this as a complement, and I think he meant it that way).  With no curl mentor, it was a trial and error ordeal figuring out how to have a symbiotic relationship with my hair.  And as I did, my self confidence flourished.  I learned how to work with my curls, to embrace the bigness, and to care for my hair properly (lather, rinse, repeat?  No thanks, only if I want dry, damaged hair all of the time). I can't imagine myself without my big, curly hair now.  I still have the occasional bad hair day, like all of us, but hey, that's what fabulous hats are for, am I right?

Hairstory is about telling the stories of women through their hair.  Each woman's hair is braided with stories.  Stories of tears after bad hair cuts, hours spent crafting perfect prom updos, crazy late night dye jobs, rebellious high school cuts, chopping gum out of hair, playing "hair stylist" with your little sister.

I can't really remember how I became friends with Eleanor and Athena, it might've been on a photoshoot where Athena did my makeup.  As a Tacoma newbie, I was excited to meet and get to know more creative people in my new town and Athena and Eleanor at Embellish salon greeted me with open arms.  I could tell right away they were big thinkers, creative souls, and rad women.  They had an idea for honing their craft through inspired hair "makeovers" and wanted me to be on board, but first they wanted me to experience the process.  So!  I went red with them.  We spent 7 hours in the salon transforming my natural dark brown hair to a "lived in" red.  Usually they would've split the transformation into two salon visits but we figured we'd bang it out in one.

I'm not a salon girl.  Every time I've gone into one, I've felt ignored or misunderstood.  It seemed like no stylist got my curly hair or color visions, and no one could cut my hair worth a damn, so I swore them off.  But I was excited by Eleanor's attentiveness to my ideas and it was awesome to hear her thoughts and ideas as well.  Not only was Eleanor excited for my hair, every stylist in the salon was welcome to come over and chat, offer ideas or thoughts on the process and colors, and it felt like a truly collaborative and inviting environment, which was certainly a departure from the salon atmosphere's I'd previously experienced.  
By the end I was so excited to be a part of other women's hair transformation stories with Eleanor, Athena and Embellish!  With each participant we're doing a little questionnaire, and in keeping with the program, I filled one out myself!

What is your first hair memory?

As a young kid I don’t think I thought much about hair, I was more interested in running around outside getting dirty. I do remember my mom trying to get a brush through it and spritzing detangler to try to help, and I remember crying on the way home from the stylist one time. I don’t even remember what I hated about the cut, it just wasn’t what I wanted (though i’m not sure I even knew what I wanted). 

Describe your mom’s hair and her beliefs 

about yours.

My mom has beautiful, thick, straight natural red hair. I am forever a bit jealous that my brother got the redhead genes instead of me. I was pretty stubborn as a kid, and my mom decided to just let me be me, which meant letting me wear weird outfits and have frizzy, big, uncontrollable hair. I remember her trying to brush out all the tangles, and I think after a while she just gave up. Since she had straight hair, I don’t think she had any point of reference for how to deal with my hair, so I was on my own to figure out what to do with it, which meant I was in my late teens/early 20’s before I developed a healthy relationship with it.

 

What feelings did you have growing up 

about your hair?

It was just so big and unruly and nothing I did seemed to make it look good. There was a lot of poofiness and I didn’t know how to handle it. I just wanted to have straight hair so I could have all the cute hairstyles that were trendy at the time.

I had started embracing my curls later in high school. I wanted crazy curly big hair for my senior prom, so I went to the salon with my hair still wet after showering, figuring they’d use my natural curl and just pump it up. Nope. They straightened my hair and then curled it with a curling iron. It was absolutely nothing like I wanted and I was pretty enraged about it. One of many reasons I’ve stopped going to hair salons altogether. 

In many ways salons, as well as pop culture, made me feel like there was something wrong with me because of my curly hair. I couldn’t get the styles that all the celebrities had and when I went to the salon my hair was treated like it was straight and thin. Even when I finally had figured out what kind of cut worked well on my hair and told the stylist exactly what kind of cut I wanted, they still didn’t do it. My relationship with hair was tumultuous throughout my adolescence and teen years, obviously.

What were the trends in hair when you 

were growing up? 

It was the 90’s so Jennifer Aniston’s famous “Rachel” hair was all the rage. Of course never in a million years will my hair ever be anything close to Rachel hair, so that was pretty frustrating. 

What music were you into at 11 years old? 

I’m not sure about 11, but in Jr High I was really into Jewel and Lisa Loeb. I was starting to feel all the boy craziness and heartache that comes with crushing on boys who don’t like you back, so Jewel’s “Foolish Games” was basically my anthem.

What are some likes? Dislikes? 

I like: art, photography, Winnebagos, travel, Alaska, family, writing, avocados, creating with my hands. I dislike: politics, injustice, domestic violence, bullying.

Curly hair symbolizes…

Bold, power, wild, untamable.

Short hair symbolizes…

Independence, edginess, anti-establishment, punk.

Have you ever cut your own hair? anyone 

else’s?

I actually exclusively cut my own hair. I haven’t had a stylist cut my hair in years. After years of having stylists with no understanding of curly hair cut my hair as if it were straight hair, I realized I could do a better job of cutting my own hair, since I understood intimately how it behaves.  I’ve cut my brother’s hair before.

Have you ever done anything really crazy 

or dumb to your own hair?

In college I dyed a streak of my hair rainbow colors, and then in 2011 I dyed my hair two tone pink and teal. My hair was pretty sad after I bleached it, so I suppose that counts as doing something dumb, but it was fun while it lasted!

I loved being a redhead, but I think I'm too addicted to change to stay with one color for too long!  I'm already brainstorming my next change!  I'm on my way back to black, but for now I'm rocking the teal and I think I have one more change before I go dark!

I'll be sharing a bit more of my hairstory with Embellish, as well as some other fabulous ladies' transformations here on the blog in the future, so stay tuned!
salon photos of me by Athena Hitson

WED // matt + emilee's winter wonderland alaskan wedding

At the beginning of January I flew up to my hometown of Anchorage to shoot Emilee and Matt's snowy winter wedding!  With the daylight hours super short this time of year, they got ready early in the day and we headed out in the afternoon to do their bride + groom portraits.  Their ceremony wasn't until 6pm, but by that time the sun would be down for two hours!  The week before the wedding the weather was so warm and gross that it melted most of the snow, but I scouted around a bit the day before their wedding to find some snow, and all I had to do was drive up the hillside a bit and once I got to a high enough elevation it became a snowy wonderland!  Unfortunately, the temperatures dropped as soon as I got to Anchorage and it was about 8 degrees for our shoot!  I grabbed a cute sweater from  my mom's closet, my own mittens, and Emilee brought a scarf her sister made to keep a bit warm, though after a few minutes of shooting we still needed to run back to the car and blast the heat to thaw out before heading outside for more photos!


This fence photo is one of the last ones we shot, at 2:30pm, and you can see we're catching the last of our light!  I love that Emilee wore snow boots for our shoot.  Since she had a long gown it didn't matter what shoes she wore because we weren't going to see them anyway.  She switched into her heels for the actual wedding, but I loved seeing this peek of boots in this photo.  Another tip for winter brides: wear thermal leggings under your gown!  I use this trick all the time when styling maxi dresses during winter months.  You don't see them and they really don't add any bulk at all, but keep your legs toasty warm! We took most of these photos on the road where my old horse barn is located and it was so crazy to step out of the car and smell that old familiar scent of horses again!  Although, I don't think I miss bundling up to ride when it's 8 degrees.  I used to train all year long, regardless of the weather, and while the barn where the horses lived was heated, the arena was not.  Brr!





I know everyone's super into outdoor/barn summer weddings right now, but after doing a winter wedding, I'm so into winter weddings!  I've always loved shooting photos in the snow and snowy wedding photos are my new favorite thing!  My mom and dad had their wedding mid-December and it snowed on their wedding day and I still love those photos of them outside the log cabin chapel where they got married, with snow falling around them.  So magical!