those anarcho punks are mysterious

Tomorrow Dan and I are headed to an Against Me! show and as I walked Dusty yesterday I was reminiscing about the last time we went to an Against Me! show together back in 2007.  For a second I thought that my math had to be wrong.  It couldn't have been seven years since then, but yes, 7+7=14.  Seven years ago we met up in Seattle to see Against Me!  20-year-old versions of us.  Dan with his scruffy hair and me with my rainbow streak.  He was my best friend and I was hopelessly in love with him.  We were both still in the process of becoming the people who'd eventually promise their lives to one another.  It would be three years before we found ourselves gravitating towards one another, thousands of miles apart, talking on the phone, texting, and facebooking.  It's a little bizarre to me to think that we've already been in one another's lives for almost 9 years.  Has it really been that long?  From the moment I met Dan he's been one of my favorite humans and I can't begin to express how thankful I am that I get to share my life with him.

It's fun getting to see a band that so permeated the beginning of our friendship.  Dan was the one who introduced me to Against Me! and hearing those old albums takes me right back to freshman year of college.  Against Me! has changed over the years and so have we, but I'm so excited that we get to go see them again.  And this time I can totally make out with Dan after the show.

choosing to leap

I've been becoming more and more of a neo-hippie over the last few years and I think it might be manifesting in my clothing choices now.  One of my favorite things about personal style is that it's constantly changing with me.  I think a lot of people think that fashion is serious, but for me clothing is almost always a way for me to play.  Playing with shapes, proportions, patterns, colors.  Playing with how I feel that day, how it wants to manifest in what I put on my body to express those feelings.   I've been thinking a lot about where I want to go next, not necessarily physically because even though I'd love nothing more than to hop back in the Winne and drive into the sunset, we've built a little homestead here and at least for now I've planted some roots.  I feel like the last big passion project I embarked on was my Winne trip, though.  I've been bobbing around, trying this and that, but never diving into anything headfirst with reckless abandon.  In many ways I feel like I'm probably afraid of failing, but I also don't know if I've felt the same draw to anything else like I did with the Brave trip.  What do I jump into next?  I've been standing on the edge of the cliff seeing different places to leap, but never feeling certain enough, or brave enough to close my eyes let my toes release from the precipice.  What's next?  I walk up to a cliff, look out into its void, and I can't decide if it's a void I want to commit to, and wander off to the next cliff to see if it stirs some passion in my soul.  
I'm afraid that I'll spend the rest of my life wandering from cliff to cliff, never releasing into the unknown.  I'm afraid that I'll leap off a cliff, thinking it will suit me, only to find out halfway down that I'd really had rather not leapt.  


top/vintage :: pants/courtesy of modcloth :: hat/courtesy of tittle millinery necklaces/courtesy of adorn by sarah lewis + via craft fair

adventures in oz

In one month I'll be performing in my first burlesque production!  Back in November I was sitting at a bar chatting with one of Dan's coworkers when it came up that she did burlesque with a local troupe.  I got super excited and we started talking about burlesque which is when she mentioned that they were having auditions in a few days for their biggest production yet, a sexy adaptation of The Wizard of Oz!  I decided then and there that I was going to audition, and was so excited about it that I had some serious insomnia that night brainstorming ideas for my audition act.  I hadn't done any kind of dance performance since college, but I was bursting with ideas and thrilled at the opportunity to break into something that I had dreamed about for years.   I was obsessed with pinup and hot rod/muscle car culture throughout high school and into college, but never had the confidence during those years to do anything about it but paint flames, traditional tattoos, and pinstripe designs on everything I owned.  While my style has gone through some major transitions since college, I still love rocking a pin-up inspired look, and my confidence is probably at the highest point it's been in 27 years.  It was the perfect storm and I auditioned four days after I heard about the show.  I came up with my routine practiced my audition for hours and it gave me the perfect excuse to go out and buy some sequined, fringe panties to put the cherry on top of my striptease.
I got a part in the show as a poppy girl!  There are four of us poppies and we do the bidding of the wicked witch, seducing Dorothy and her friends into a deep sleep to keep them from reaching the emerald city.  We're one of the only non-striptease acts in the show, which I actually kind of like.  Maybe someday I'll do a routine going all the way down to pasties, but for my first foray into burlesque I'm happy to do a sultry little dance without the stress of taking off my clothes.  The top and bottom photos in this post are sort of what we'll be wearing but we're in the process of customizing our tops to be ridiculously fabulous with rhinestones, flowers, and petals.  It's been so much fun getting to dance again, do fabulous craft projects, and make tons of new friends I never would have met if it weren't for this show. 

We're in the final month of rehearsals and, you guys, it's going to be off the hook amazing.  There are so many incredible acts.  I'm actually really disappointed we only get one show, but maybe someone will want to bring the show to a venue in Seattle or Olympia after they see how mind blowing all the acts are.  It's been such a treat getting to see the progress on everyone's acts and costumes every week.  If you're local to the area, there are still some tickets left, but get on it because I have a feeling it's going to sell out!  You can also follow the Gritty City Sirens on facebook for little updates. 
One of the fun things about burlesque is having a kicky little stage name!  I'll be performing as Bettie Klondike.  Bettie obviously has ties to Bettie Page, but Bettie is also a nickname for Elizabeth.  Klondike is drawn from Klondike Kate, a famous performer who became famous for performing in Alaska and the Yukon and actually ended up down here in the PNW after she married a man who stole her fortune and used it to open a theater here in Tacoma!  Bettie Klondike it is!
One of my favorite things about burlesque is the incredible variety in bodies.  Every single woman (and man! ooh la la!) in the show has a completely unique body, from slender fit bodies, to big and bodacious, from itty bitty, to tall and statuesque.  And everyone's act is sexy as hell.  I love how burlesque fights our cultures assertion that sexiness and sexuality are only accessible by those who have Victoria's Secret bodies and porn star grooming.  I also love that burlesque invites a humor into sexuality, which is void in so much of the sexuality that we experience in culture, movies, and tv where sex is serious business.  But sexuality is so much more than serious and passionate, and it's so much more than pleasing someone else.  Burlesque gives women permission to be sexy in any way they want, and to do it for no one else but themselves.  Even though it is a performance, and in that way it's for others, there's an ownership over sexuality that the performer has.  She gets to choose how she wants to be and feel sexy, and it's a totally solo endeavor.  I think a lot of women experience their sexuality differently when it's with another person vs. how they feel sexy when they are alone.  Burlesque gives women permission to feel sexy in anyway they want, at any size they want, to any music they want, with any outfit they want.  You can take off all your clothes, you can take off a few clothes, you can do whatever you feel comfortable doing.  Burlesque gives women permission to own their own sexuality and the more women are owning their sexuality the harder it will be for rape culture and sexism to continue.

Okay that got real serious there for a sec, but burlesque!  It's awesome!  If you're local you should come to the show!  You can see the event page on facebook here, or buy tickets here.  Another cool thing about the show?  Proceeds will benefit the Carol Milgard Breast Center!  A sexy night that benefits a great cause, what more could you want?

Photos of me by Willow's Photography.  Hair by Paige Pettibon. Makeup by Athena Renee Artistry

responding to vulnerability

I hopped over to Momastery the other day after seeing a link from one of the lovely people I follow on Twitter.  It sounded interesting and I headed over to find the first post in the Sacred Scared series.  The series focuses on sharing vulnerable stories from various bloggers, and while I enjoyed the post, what really struck me was the note included before you got to those vulnerable stories:

"We hear a lot lately about the importance of being vulnerable in front of others, but we haven’t been taught how to respond to someone else’s vulnerability, so I’ll be offering suggestions about how to receive vulnerability during this series. Here’s the first one: When someone lets you into her Sacred Scared – she is showing you her messy insides NOT because she wants you to fix it, but because she trusts you enough to let you know the real, true her.

Imagine that you have a new friend that you just love, and she’s coming to your house, and you finally liberate yourself enough to skip the panic-clean before she arrives. You decide that you trust her enough to walk in and see your messy house and you just KNOW that she will GET IT. She will LOVE that you just Let It Be for her. But she walks in and instead of flopping down on the laundry covered couch, she starts cleaning up the mess. Your mess is making her too uncomfortable. She starts to FIX IT instead of appreciating your mess as a trust offering. How do you feel about that?

Let’s not try to fix each other’s Sacred Scared, if we can avoid it. The people in this series are letting you in to see their Real, Beautiful Mess. Let’s not try to fix them, because they don’t need to be fixed. Neither do you. Let’s just try to find some comfort and love and maybe even Me Too in the offerings."

I realized that, as a blogger who tries to focus on offering honesty and vulnerability, I've quietly dealt with readers trying to fix me and my "problems."  It's obviously always meant out of kindness and wanting to help, but... that's not why I share my life on my blog.  I don't share here to get counseling.  I don't share here to crowdsource solutions to my problems.  I share here because I know that our mutual experience as human beings is easier to handle knowing that we aren't alone in what we're going through.


But I understand the impulse to want to fix someone, or to offer suggestions.  I'm not a naturally comforting or sensitive person, and I think this mostly is because I understand fixing things, not comforting people.  Give me something I can do to help, but don't ask me to "be there for you" because I have no clue what that means.  I like physical, tangible solutions.  So, it's hard.  I get it.  But more often than not, listening and offering support is going to do more than offering a solution or a fix.  Unless someone is explicitly asking for a solution, listening, nodding along, offering love and comfort are usually more desired than, "have you tried xyz?  Maybe you should do 123 instead?"  There's a place and time for solutions, but someone's vulnerability isn't that place.  Vulnerability is already a painful place, opening up wounds, sensitive areas, places that aren't used to being exposed.  Poking and prodding those places never feels good.

I often hear the excuse from some readers that because bloggers have chosen to put their lives online in public, they are obligated to take the criticism, suggestions, and even rude or cruel comments.  I wish there was a way to better remind one another that every single blogger is a human being like the one sitting next to you on the couch, standing in line with you at Starbucks, walking by you on the street.  It takes a bit of effort to pull back the computer screen veil and see it, but every one of us is a human.  It even goes the other way, as bloggers pull back that same veil to see readers and commenters as whole and complete people with histories and very real experiences, not just a few soulless words typed after a screen name.  As our world moves further from in-person interaction and closer to text and online communication we need a constant reminder that we're speaking to humans, not robots.  Because the only way we grow is through vulnerability.  The more we cultivate a safe space for vulnerability, the more we are able to move forward and become fulfilled and joyful versions of ourselves.

the rule book

Despite the fact that it's been feeling and looking positively springy here in Tacoma this week, I haven't yet caught the floral/pastel bug that seems to hit once the flowers begin blooming. Feeling a little bit Johnny Cash with this outfit!  I wasn't sure if the length would work, I've always felt like calf-length dresses sort of make me look short and stumpy (even though I am, in fact, short), but I actually love this dress!  Maybe it's the sheer panels at the bottom, but I almost feel like it makes me look taller.  The more I try new styles the more I realize that I've bought into these concepts about what I "can" or "can't" wear based on my height, weight, body type, etc.  I steered clear of maxi dresses for years because I always thought they'd make me look super short, but it turns out they're one of my favorite styles to wear.

My mom wasn't into fashion when I was a kid and so neither was I.  I had no clue what the latest trends were and my "style" was the last thing on my mind, so I never learned any fashion rules.  Once I became interested in my own personal style in my early 20's I started hearing about certain rules I was constantly breaking (don't wear navy and black together, don't mix prints, don't wear black shoes and a brown belt, no white after labor day).  In dance they say that you need to learn the techniques and rules before you can break them, but with personal style I don't think that's the case.  I remember reading Tavi's blog, Style Rookie back before she started Rookie Mag and I loved how adventurous and crazy she was with her style.  She broke every rule in the book, but it was wholly "her" and so it was beautiful.  I adore perusing Advanced Style because the older women he shoots couldn't care less about trends or rules.  They're to the point in their lives where they wear what they want and what makes them feel awesome, instead of feeling like they have to dress to please other people.  It's glorious and fabulous.  When it comes to style, I say throw out the rule book.  No one should get to tell you how you dress and what makes you feel good.

 


dress + shoes/courtesy of modcloth :: long necklace/handmade :: jacket(similar)/modcloth shades/courtesy of bonlook :: short necklace/courtesy of adorn by sarah lewis cuff/courtesy of lulu's :: belt/thrifted