Jack's Birth

Today is both Jack's 6 month "birthday" and also Father's Day, so it feels appropriate to post this today.  I figure I should probably write down Jack's birth story before it fades too far away. So here goes.

Jack was "due" on December 8th, 2016.  My pregnancy was almost bizarrely easy; no morning sickness whatsoever, no back pain, none of the adverse symptoms it seems most women encounter.  I didn't even have trouble tying my own shoes by 9 months.  So I had an inkling he was pretty dang comfortable in there and wouldn't be interested in making his debut early or even "on time."  I should note I use quotes around "due" and "on time," because it's been shown now that there is a span of 5 weeks in which birth timing is normal, so a due date or on time birth is somewhat misleading.  Anyway.  

My doula/BFF, Kristina arrives on Dec 1st.  I take her to my prenatal yoga class with me.  We hang out.  A few days later on the 3rd, my birth photographer/other BFF, Amy, arrives.  Both are from Tacoma, so they flew up to be with me for my labor and Jack's birth.  We commence waiting.  A week goes by.  Nothin'.  At every prenatal yoga class people start being like, "wait, you're still here?!" to which I reply, "tell me about it."  With no signs of labor, we start trying to entice him to make his way into the world in various ways.  We go to a hockey game, where I eat a burrito so spicy I was sweating profusely.  Spicy burritos and multiple fog-horn blasts do not work.  We try karaoke.  Nope (though Amy won the Karaoke contest that night!).  Next up: Zumba.  Zumba at full term is, well, it's a helluva thing, y'all. Mom, Amy, and Kristina joined me and we were all exhausted afterward.  I was pretty sure I'd get some kind of reaction out of the kid for all that jumping and bouncing around.  I was right.  That night I woke up feeling some cramping and Dan called in letting his job know he wouldn't be coming into work.  This was Wednesday, I believe.  Well, while I did get some action, it was just some Braxton Hicks contractions and the rest of the day I was back to business as usual.  Except I got to hang out with Dan all day because his work thought I was in labor.

No more signs of labor for the next couple days and by now I'm a week "overdue."  I have what I hope is my last prenatal appointment and my midwife checks my cervix and I'm dilated about 3-3.5cm, which is encouraging since it means I'm at least on my way to labor-ville!  She sweeps my membranes, which was an interesting sensation to say the least. We talk about some other natural labor induction methods and I decide to try my hand at castor oil to help get things moving along. Since I was a week overdue at this point we go in for a little ultrasound and a non-stress test to see how kiddo's doing.  He's in ship shape so back home I go, with a castor oil assignment to complete.

If you're wondering how effective castor oil is at moving things along in your GI tract, I'm here to tell you: Liz used castor oil and it was SUPER EFFECTIVE.  Well, at least at clearing out my gut.  Woof.  About 20 minutes after taking a shot of castor oil and I scooted my way to the bathroom where things moved along.  Everything but the baby.  Amy, my photographer, has moved her flight back a few days already and has to fly out.  She predicts I'll go into labor in the next day, because of course I would.

Next day I go back into my midwife for another check of my cervix and another membrane sweep.  At this point I'm solidly at 4cm, and it's at least encouraging to know that I'm almost halfway dilated already and haven't even had to labor to get there!  I go home and decide to do more castor oil and bouncing on my exercise ball.  At some point in the past week Dan's parents had arrived (expecting their grandson to already have made his debut), so that night we had a family dinner with both our parents and then make our way to the living room to play some funny board games.  As we're playing games, around 8:30-9pm,  I start feeling some periodic, light, contraction-like sensations.  They keep on coming, staying pretty light, and pretty regular. That night I go to bed to try to get some rest before the work begins, but I don't think I got any.  I may have dozed off a bit, but by 2:30-3am rolls around I have to get up and walk around and then I find myself ritually heading to the bathroom to grab the edge of the sink counter, swaying back and forth to get through the contractions.  I text Kristina what's going on and she decides to head over.

By 4:45 things are getting pretty intense so Dan heads down to start and warm up the car because it's Alaska in December and temps have been in the negative and single digits.  My swaying and moaning get me through my contractions.  Our bags head down to the car and I get in the back seat of the red van I've been driving since coming back home.  The same red van I would drive to school after getting my license.  If you'd told me back then that 15 years later I'd be in the back seat of that same van, in labor, I'd be incredulous.  For months there had been a weird, small trash can rolling around the back of the van making tons of noise every time I made a turn.  The day before I had finally taken that trash can out of the van, and as I get in the van I grab that trash can and bring it in with me because I'd been feeling a little nauseous and had zero interest in throwing up all over the car.  I think the trash can might still be in the back seat...

We get to Alaska Native Medical Center around 5am, maybe 5:30, and go in through the ER, since it's too early to go in the other doors.  We head up and go into the L+D Triage where, to my great dismay, I have to lay still for 20 whole minutes while they do another non-stress test.  I hadn't stopped moving through my contractions up until this point, even in the car I was swaying and up on my knees, not sitting down, so having to lay down and be still for 20 minutes was a pain.  Plus they had to put in a Hep-Lock so that I could be easily hooked up to an IV in the case of an emergency, which I was not anticipating and wasn't thrilled about.  So it goes. 
 

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My room becomes ready and I shuffle my be-gowned, laboring, self the 50 feet to my room where we get the tub filling and I slip in to begin the work.  Things are pretty hazy at this point, not really like in the way that things are fuzzy when you're drunk, but kind of.  Everything goes internal and I'm not aware of much outside of like 2 feet from my body.  Kristina and Dan are giving me double hip squeezes and I get pretty intimate with the walls of the tub.  It's intense and by the time I'm starting to feel a little pushy, I vomit a couple times after contractions and then decide to get out of the tub and move to the toilet.  Nurses have been coming in and out periodically checking on Jack's heart rate and, I'm assuming probably, other stuff, but for the most part it's just me, Dan, and Kristina.  

By the time I'm on the toilet I'm feeling pretty pushy, and between contractions at one point I'm like... I feel like maybe a midwife should be here... right?  Kristina went and let the midwife know that things were happening and at some point she shows up-- again, things are hazy and my sphere of external awareness is pretty small.  At first I'm laboring leaning forward on the toilet but as things progress my midwife has me lean back and put one foot on Dan's thigh and one on her thigh, both of whom are kneeling in front of me.  In retrospect I can't imagine Dan's staring-down-the-barrel view, I imagine it was intense, to say the least. There is a lot of groaning and pushing.  I keep trying to push after my contraction has ended, I just wanted to get it done with, but my midwife tells me to stop pushing when the contraction is over, and my over achieving self complies grudgingly.  Mostly I just remember groaning and having her tell me to groan lower and feeling a little ridiculous as I modulate my groans awkwardly from a higher pitch to a low pitch.  That and feeling like I might just rip the metal stabilizer bar off the wall with my hulk-like labor strength.  I think I probably squeezed Dan's hands or arms or shoulders or something uncomfortably hard.  

It didn't take long before the baby plopped out of me and everyone fumbled with this slippery little screaming, bloody new human and placed him on my panting chest. To which I responded, "this is weeeiiirrrdd!"  It was, you guys.  It was super weird.  After that there were lots of hands.  Doing various things.  Cleaning things, moving things, moving me, stitching me, cleaning Jack.  8:43 AM.  

Kristina went and told the parents, who had been anxiously awaiting the news out in the waiting room, that the thing had been done successfully, the new human seemed healthy, and told them to wait a little longer cuz my vag was getting stitched up (I'm also positive she said all of this in a much more lovely way, thanks Kris. This is why you are a doula and I am not). Shortly after all my "housekeeping" is done, the fam files in an ogles the bebe.  My Dad ogles him in his own way.  As a neonatal intensive care doc, he does his own examination and finds Jack to be a-okay. 

After that it's just a lot of chit chat and eventually we moved to the post-birth room for recovery, which is. a. bitch.  I had no need of an epidural for the actual birthing, but damn if I didn't want to cut off all sensation to my lower half for like the next week.  I may or may not have sobbed in the hospital room on one of the two nights we slept there because I felt like I still loved Dusty the most, my nipples and vagina were in excruciating pain, and Jack was crying and I couldn't make him stop.  Some angel nurse came and took him away and magically put him to sleep. Her witchcraft was a godsend. 

Oh, you might be wondering, "If your birth photographer had to fly out a day before you gave birth, who took all these photos?"  Well, I set up my settings on my camera, handed it to my Doula, Kristina, and between all her amazing Doula support she also pulled double duty as my photographer.  Dang.  

Anyway, that's pretty much that.  We didn't finalize Jack's name until we were basically heading out the door.  We had his first name picked out shortly after he was born but could not for the life of us pick his middle name.  We were vacillating between Tiberius and Gabel (Star Trek and Against Me! fans may recognize those names) but Dan threw out Polaris at the last minute and it just fit perfectly.

Jack Polaris Morrow it is.  

What I Wore: Erryday mommin'

I wear some iteration of this outfit pretty much on the daily.  Black jeans, black graphic vintage tee, these boots, probably a cardigan because summers in Alaska, and my diaper bag backpack.  I legit don't even own any jeans that aren't black any more.  I just want a wardrobe that is almost to the point that I could be blindfolded, grab a shirt and pants and they'd go together just fine.  Cuz sometimes that's what getting dressed feels like these days.

I dyed my tips purple a few weeks ago and just have let them fade and for a sec I didn't like it, but now I love it.  I have black hair dye in the pipes, but I'm enjoying the way this purple is fading for now, so it stays.  Once I dye it black, I'll probably trim it up a bit too because my ends are feeling sad.  Thankfully I think my postpartum-hair-loss-mass-exodus-of-hair-falling-out has come to an end, or is at least slowing down, so I'm feeling a little less frustrated with my hair situation.  Being a new mom is all, "oh hai, I noticed that you're feeling not so hot about your physical appearance, and also are stressed out and sleep deprived, how bout I make all ur hair fall out too?  K, cool."  Like throw a dog a bone here, yo!  I was at least prepared for it, since I had it happen when I went off the pill like 4 years ago, but it still sucks.  

I do miss doing outfit pics some days.  And having fun putting together outfits.  These days I feel so busy with a bajillion things that being able to put together a cute outfit feels like a luxury.  I like my more casual style nowadays, and I don't think I'll go back to my vintage-y modcloth-esque style ever again, but sometimes I walk through the mall and see cute clothes I'd like to buy to create an outfit with and I just pass it by.  

Shoes: c/o Cat Footwear | Jeans: H&M | Cardigan: c/o Modcloth | Hat + Glasses: c/o Moorea Seal
Baby Backpack + Changing Pad: Fawn + Cub
Necklace: Mojave Moon | Shirt: Vintage via American Archive

Painted Carrera Marble Countertop DIY

When we were trying to decide what to do with our counters for our kitchen renovation, we knew we didn't want to spend a ton of money.  First, we live in basically a little mother-in-law apartment above the garage of my parent's house, so it's not a fancy joint or anything. We didn't want to put real marble in or anything, and even faux marble was pretty spendy, so we figured we'd try painting the existing formica countertops and if it turned out awful, then we'd rip them out and just shell out for new, faux marble formica counters.  After stalking Pinterest for a bit and looking at various countertop painting DIYs I decided on using Giani's Faux Granite DIY countertop paint in White Diamond to create a faux marble look.

The kit comes with a black primer, a pearl mica paint, two cans of white limestone paint, a metallic gold paint which I didn't use, and a clear top coat.  I would recommend buying two extra white limestone cans if you're going to use the kit to make a white marble look.  I didn't and I ended up just using some regular paint to finish it off (I had a time crunch and couldn't wait for more white limestone to ship) and it worked fine I think, but I wouldn't recommend doing that.  The paint in the kit is more of an enamel type paint (I had a really hard time getting it off my fingernails, whereas the regular paint scrubbed right off), so I think it probably hardens and sticks better.

You start by rolling the black primer on to a very well cleaned counter.  My counter had a little bit of texture to it so I didn't really sand the existing counters first, but if your counter is super shiny and slick, it'd be a good idea to give it some texture with some sand paper before putting down the primer.  I just did one coat and then touched up a couple spots where it was a little thin.

Next, you start layering on the paint.  The kit comes with a sponge you can cut into pieces to sponge on the paint.  I started with the pearl mica.  I started creating the flow of my veining from the beginning, doing a kind of diagonal veining pattern.  After the pearl mica I started the white limestone layers and then you basically do as many layers of the white limestone as you want to achieve the lightness of marble you want.  I think I did about 4, maybe 5 layers. I sort of got lost in a haze of sponging and didn't keep track after like 3 layers.

To do the veining, mix a little of the black primer with the white limestone and use a small brush.  Keep some white limestone handy with your sponge to go over top the veining if you don't like the vein you put in, and also to fade them a bit so they blend.  I google searched for marble slabs and found one that I used as a reference for my veining look.  

The top coat gets rolled on and goes on in 2-3 layers.  You don't want to put anything heavy on the counter for a couple days and it cures fully in 2 weeks.  In terms of durability, it's not the greatest (that being said, I didn't use only the countertop paint, I did those top couple layers of white with non-countertop paint, so I'm not sure about what the durability would be if I only used the kit).  I can tell that if I scratched it with something hard or metal, it'd probably put a gouge in the paint. We had an electrician come in to fix our outlets and he totally scratched through the paint somehow (I think he leaned against the counter with like tools on his belt or something), so that was a bummer, and it does stain if you're not careful.  We have an espresso machine and over by that we already have a couple small yellow-ish coffee stains.  I bet wine and certain spices would also stain it.  We use our butcher block island for most food prep stuff that might be staining.

If you're looking for a stop-gap that's a cheap (but a bit time-consuming) way to get the look you want until you can afford getting real marble (or real faux marble) counters, this is definitely a way to do it.  If you're super rough on your counters, this might not be a great solution.  It'll work for us for the time being though!  You can wipe them down easily, they just recommend not using any harsh chemicals and not scrubbing super hard.

I used one whole kit (plus 2 extra white limestone cans) and we have about 15 feet of counters.  Here's what she looks like before.  Kind of dingy, off-white, ivory:

And after!  Crisp, white, and fresh!:

DYING TO TRANSFORM YOUR OWN KITCHEN, BUT AREN’T SURE WHERE TO START, HOW TO BRING YOUR VISION TO LIFE, OR NEED HELP FIGURING OUT HOW TO MAKE IT ALL HAPPEN? I’VE GOT YOU COVERED! HEAD OVER HERE AND LET’S GET STARTED ON WORKING SOME DESIGN MAGIC FOR YOU!

Five Months

I haven't been hit with mom-brain too hard, but this photo session got hit with some hard mom-brain.  I did the entire shoot with the letterboard saying "four months old" and didn't realize it until I was telling my mom later that day that I had done his five month photos and was like, "WAIT..." looked at the sign and did a full on facepalm.  Cue the photo re-do.

At 5 months Jack is army crawling, started eating some solid foods (his face when I feed him is preeetty hilarious), and he's all around a pretty happy baby.  Some days he doesn't nap as much as others and I think I might go insane, but all in all I think we're doing okay.  Motherhood still doesn't feel much like a shiny sea of glowy bright feelings, and a lot of the time I miss the freedom of just being able to do basic shit without having to stop every 2 minutes to manage an infant, but we're getting used to the new life, even if there are some growing pains and crying sessions (for both of us).

The Sexually Liberated Mother's Day Gift Guide

Happy Mother's Day!  No seriously HAPPY mother's day.  Mother's Day usually gets boiled down to some decent flowers, brunch, and a quickly scrawled card, and, well, I think we think of moms in a very mom-y way.  But listen y'all, let's not forget how moms became moms in the first place. This is a mother's day gift guide of a different sort.  I think being a mom is great, and celebrating all the mom-y mom things is nice, but sex is an area of a mom's life where she can shed all of that.  She doesn't have to think about cutting crust off of sandwiches, or changing diapers, or her son's algebra grades in the bedroom.  And hey, did you know that (conveniently) May is also Masturbation Month? So this gift guide is celebrating mom sex life.  Yeah, it looks a helluva lot different now, doesn't it ladies?  Postpartum sex is like a whole 'nother thing, and so sexual self care has been very important to me, especially since my healing process took for-ev-er. It's so worth cultivating a healthy and pleasurable sex life, so here is my NSFW Mother's Day gift guide.  Have fun, mamas!

1. Chakrubs Sex Toy
Chakrubs are sex toys made from pure natural crystals.  To be honest, walking into a sex shop and being confronted with a veritable cornucopia of differently shaped dildos and toys that do all sorts of fancy things to get you off is intimidating and overwhelming.  When I came across Chakrubs I loved the simplicity of the design, and that they're created from something natural, not plastic or rubber or silicone.  While I'm all for a good vibrator or what have you, I much prefer the simplicity of the Chakrubs.

2. Insane Stimulating Personal Moisturizer
I've never been very into lube, but it's super recommended to postpartum mamas due to the low personal lubricant production caused by the drop in hormones after giving birth.  So I've been looking around for something a little more fun than your standard lube and have seen some good reviews on this!  I think I'll try a sample before splurging on the full bottle, but they've got tons of sample packs to try, so that could be a fun activity!  Test all the lubezzzz.

3. Herbivore Jasmine Body Oil
I believe that sensuality is a holistic pursuit and that means treating your body with love, even if you aren't actively pursuing a climax.  A delicious body oil like Herbivore's Jasmine body oil can be a lovely way to love on your body by slowly rubbing it into your skin post-shower, or you can have your partner give you some foreplay action by using it as a luxurious massage oil.

4. Unbound Box Subscription
I will be the first to admit that I kind of hate subscription boxes.  Not because I dislike the concept or the products that are in them, mostly because I feel like a lot of the time I'm ending up getting stuff I don't need sent to me every month.  Like, I like makeup, but am I really going to go through enough make up that I need a box full of new products every month?  The thought of all the *stuff* cluttering up my house stresses me out.  But when I heard about these Unbound Boxes, I was intrigued.  Not only are they not monthly, they're quarterly, but I can totally get behind getting new fun lubes, toys, and other sexy goodies to try.  Plus, I'm pretty sure that with the subscription only coming quarterly, I'd forget about it and then it'd be a very exciting surprise in the mail! 

5. She Comes First- The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman
This book was recommended to me by a gal who does work in marriage and sex therapy years ago and I keep meaning to pick it up! Heck, you could save this one as a Father's Day gift as a gift to yourself disguised as a gift for him, muahahah.

6. Pleasure-Proof Lipstick
Having your lipstick get all over your face when you're making out with your lover is super lame.  But not getting to wear pretty lipstick out on dates is also lame.  When I first discovered LipSense I was skeptical, I was used to taking my lipstick and lip brush with me out on dates so I could run to the bathroom after a few drinks and re-apply.  But this stuff seriously does not budge.  So, yah, you can shove your face into that pillow as hard as you want, your lipstick won't ruin it anymore.

And if you're looking for some Sexual Liberation inspiration and guidance, head over to Sex Love Liberation, an amazing blog run by the gorgeous Ev'yan Whitney, and check out her podcast The Sexually Liberated Woman too! I hope you have a sensual Mother's Day, ladies! (even if you're not a mom!).  You can have brunch too.  Brunch is totally foreplay.